UPDATES
┊ July 28 2026 : Creation of page ☆
DISCLAIMER
┊ This is obviously a page where alot of my personal life will be expressed. I plan to update this everyday before I go to bed. I dont care if you use this against me but there are alot of triggering topics in here. Topics such as death, suicide and idk chudding around i guess lol im going to sound so edgy im sorry ok
‿ 9/15/26 ✿ Entry # 20
I have notes i can look back on and i organized some thing today. I feel alright :>
‿ 8/13/26 ✿ Entry # 9
2day was a good day, it was the revival of sigma (he wont have annother episode untill god knows when) but idk i think i need to ground myself back to reality and its hard but i know if i try i can do anything and i know i will be able to be happy again dont worry abt what i said abt messing things up its ok i can recover i promise ok thats annother thing nobody trusts my word but i can fix things i can fix everything that happened ok im gonna sleep
like not being in reality was mt coping mechanism and it backfired and turned into something it shouldn't have and omg my entire perception on people is ruined more than it already was
this so called "god" is teasting me by making me do this all without what i want and i can prove to him and mostly myself that i canndo it (ok god doesn't exist but still)
Ok its 10pm im gonna pretend yesterday didnt happen, today was better but i still feel bad about the fact im gonna have to not be online anymore like im actually going to be doing stuff but i think its very worth it for what i will receive in return, idk. I also hate how easily i fall for people,
i had a dream i was in sigmas casino and he was so nice to me and i was like pls let me be ur assistant and he gave me special treatment cause he liked me
I like talking about the past because i miss the happiness and genuine joy i used to experience but for some reason once i actually talk to the person who makes me feel like that i want to die or make out with thrm
guys... Imagine if... Everything DIDNT happen 😱😱😱 omg 10/10 alternate universe
Somone teach me how to shift
‿ 8/12/26 ✿ Entry # 8
ok so anyways i got catcalled this morning 😂😂 while wearing 😂😂😂 feminine clothes 😂😂 oh my god i hate 😂😂 always getting harassed 😂😂 i cant wait to wear boy clothes 😂😂 but i also have been hit on by girls while looking masculine 😂😂😂 EVERYONE has to die.
i actually hate how he was following me too making it seem like he was on the phone when he wasn't bru he's just skitzo im going to actually do a mass murder or something (i wont this is a baseless threat but it would be funny)
Nothing has been going on so far i hope nothing bad happens later
‿ 8/10/26 ✿ Entry # 7
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Ok I have organized alot of things now, (at least digitally) i always find a sense of fulfillment from organizing my stuff or maybe i just wanna seem like im productive idk. Anyways ive been grinding out DOL, im only playing for whitney bcs i saw a thing with him (do not ask what but it was enough to put myself through hours maybe even months of torture) and i was actually read through half of the wiki so i can learn how to play the game i hope my moot isnt mad at me cause i was lowkey larping DOL it looks so ass and there was too many mechanics to fiure out and there was like no viduals like how is there visuals for the beastiality stuff WHICH I HAVE TURNED OFF BTW but nothing for the love interests?? Or maybe there is idk this game fucking sucks actually but literally what else can i do
other than that idk im trying to enjoy the few days of leisure i have, i dont really know what to do. Im also really nervous about something and i wasnt thinking clearly and theres like a 50/50 chance i might be genuinely screwed. Im such a self sabotager im kinda hoping everything goes wrong so i cen finally end it all but its ok maybe things will be ok idk but if not just forget about me ok idk what else to say nothing happened today
Oh i guesd i forgot to add i kind of dread going to sleep. Like i genuinely don't want to sleep because i keep having back to back nightmares which may seem childish but imagine literally everytime you go to sleep its a nightmare like what am i supposed to do. I have to fight the urge to sleep.
‿ 8/6/26 ✿ Entry # 6
IANYEAYS Z IM SORRY FOR RANTING ON I THINK EVERYTHING WILL BE OK IM GOING TO BED SOON AND I WIL BE A NEW PERSON WHEN I WAKE UP I WILL LOOK BACK ON THESE MOMENTS AND BE GREATFUL I STILL WENT ON DESPITE EVERYTHING JUST LIKE HE SAID I AM A GOOD PERSON AND IM STRONG N COOL AND SWESOME I WILL BE OK EVERYTHING WILL BE OK ONE DAY ILL LIVE THE LIFE IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE
ANYWAYS I DIDNT DO MUCH TODAY BUT YESTERDAY WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE I BROKE MY RULE OF WRITING AT NIGHT TWICE AND JUST IGNORE THAT LIKE MY DAY WAS JUST STARTING I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SAYING ANYTHING SO EARLY BUT ANYWAYS IM JUST REALLY HAPPY FOR SOME REASON IDK I THINK BECAUSE IM FINALLY TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE I THINK I SHOULDNT LET WHAT HAPPENED TO ME BE A BAD THING BECASUE IT WASNT IT WASNT MY FAULT IT ACTUALLY SHOWS ME HOW TO BE TREATED AND HOW PEOPLE SHOULD TREAT ME AND GAVE ME A PURPOSE TO FULLFILL THAT ONLY ME AND HIM KNOW ABOUT SO ITS OK
I REMEMBER 3 MONTHS AGO I TRIED TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE NEARBY BUT YK WHY I DIDN'T HONESTLY ITS BECAUSE IM SCARED OF DEATH I THOUGHT ID BE HAPPY BUT IM SCARED, ITS THE QUICKEST WAY OUT BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IT TAKES GUTS TO END YOUR LIFE AND ITS FUNNY HOW KIDS WHO GENUINELY HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR USE THEIR COURAGE ONLY FOR THAT BUT THATS LITERALLY ME DOING THE HOMELESS GUY CALLS ANNOTHER GUY BROKE THING
I LIVE BY THE MOTO TOMORROW WILL BE WORSE, I THINK WE SHOULD ALL HAVE A MOTO THAT ONLY WE CAN GENUINELY BELEIVE AND UNDERSTAND. YOU'D THINK ITS BAD TO THINK THAT BUT I GET GENUINE COMFORT WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW THE NEXT DAY CAN BE AN EVEN WORSE FUCK UP AND IM LIKE YK TODAY MAYBE ISNT SO BAD BUT THATS JUST ME
DI NOT WORRY ABOUT ME I WILL BE OK
oh and speaking of suicide i heard today that hotdiggitydemon is gonna get euthanized in like a year and i think genuinely he should be put down im not saying he deserves to die or anything i actually really like him hes funny and has constantly throughout his time on the internet states how much he hates his past and i used to watch all the pony movs when i was younger and i genuinely still quote his stuff to this day but like its so sad because i genuinely understand wheres he's coming from and so many people are bashing him saying if he really wanted to die he'd putchase a handgun but its not that easy especially if he said hes having money troubles 😭 but i guess i get whay they're saying. Hdd is my goat though idc he put a special kind of passion into his projects as an artist even if its outdated
shes all im thinking about i want to become a better person so me and her can be best friends she never left me shes the only one who hasnt left me
‿ 8/5/26 ✿ Entry # 5
I hate how my mother is acting like shes some kind of actually disabled woman like ur not physically disabled you're mentally disabled 😂😂 lol i hate you so much she genuinely makes me want to be a better person and makes me want to actually get things done, i refuse to make the same mistakes over and over being some kind of deadbeat and lazy fuck but i think that'll make me one of those people who find fulfillment in always doing something but i think id rather do that than nothing at all.
speaking of her i wish she told me what actually happened to one of the things i really held dear to me rather than hiding it from me, i hate her i hate her she's just as bad as my dad and yeah i knew it but it couldnt have been this bad. I should have actually killed myself when i was 12 😂😂 but i was stupid enough to believe my friends would miss me 😂😂
not to mention the fact how im still scared idk why but im still scared to do things and i think i should slowly build up my tolerance for crazy stuff.
what i saw this morning make me laugh tho like thank god im not like them 😂😂 i need to stop comparing myself to others but its just something i can never fix about myself
‿ 8/4/26 ✿ Entry # 4
Omg its finally august guys! Im so happy about this information!! (Im not) Ok so far my august has been filled with nightmares, actually this week ive had alot more nightmares than usual. It could be because of everything going on but its like flashbacks and reminders of everything idk. I hate to say how addicted i am to the internet (and the other one that arguably ruined my life) even when im not receiving any attention, i dont know how to stop doomscrolling and stop having addictions. Im kind of being forced into a position i dont want to. I feel like deep down im still scared. Deep down no matter what i do i cant heal. I literally just cant. I dont know how to accept that fact.
I have alot of things to blame people on and i cant forgive people i cant forgive anyone im sorry but i have too much going on in my life to be kind and have friends and be normal so i kinda took this page out of my discord bio for now
‿ 7/31/26 ✿ Entry # 3
Yesterday i completely forgot to make an entry because i was genuinely so tired, for some reason i went to sleep earlier than i usually do (i usually dont sleep at all lmao) Though from what i remember it was basically just her ranting in my ear about the problems she could have fixed on her own. She started to sound alot like my dad (a very bad thing) and i kind of regret being nice to her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. I have to realize it should have been her responsibility to you know be a decent human being, if i was able to when i was younger it should have been so hard for her then and it shouldn't be so hard for her now. I wish i actually had some kind of parental figure or someone i could genuinely say is like a parent to me and i think that will lead into alot of issues into the future, i wish i was smarter and i wish i never made any of the decisions ive made for the past 4 years.
I feel bad, i really do still feel bad about the fact that she's unsaveable. When im able to live my own life in the back of my mind it will forever feel like im just abandoning her even despite the fact she did the same to me. I want to live in the sense of being alive and able bodied because i think i have a huge fear of ending up like them which causes me to do alot of things i wouldnt normally do i think. I know for a fact under the right environment I'd be the person i always wanted to be, im not in the clearest mindset rn obviously
Theres still two things i dont want to admit about myself and if i did id look like a horrible person.
I know that looks bad and wish i could say genuinely that i dont want to push people away and i want to be a good person but i can't and thats probably why people hate me still like genuinely i dont understand why or how some people genuinely like me and genuinely enjoy my company and thats why i do it
And as i except things get worse so worse to the point i dont think I'll be online for a bit 😭😭 yes god this is what living is about !!!! I hate myself how can people unironically live with that mentality. I wish i wasnt useless i wish i was more helpful i wish i wasnt such a failure like yeah i didnt ask to be here but im here and im doing nothing i hate myself so much i just want to die i just want to die i just want to die and im going to relapse bcs i dont have the ONE thing i need the most its awfull why is this happening to me and not her its not fair
i made a promise and im going to keep it and i have to NO MATTER WHAT remember thats what i have to do, all of the suffering im going through its so i can pull through and get her back and then actually do the one thing i should have done from the beginning. They think im joking when i can find a way to get to her
‿ 7/29/26 ✿ Entry # 2
Today was gud but its boring and im tired of being bored im tired of being here. I kinda forget that people are actually people and they think differently than me and its so weird idk ive never been able to grasp it. I want to try some methods tonight and i guess other than that i finished inanimate insanity and i watched a few episodes of haibane renmei and i really like the angel chatacters.
I teired for the rondo event but i didnt even get any of the cards despite pulling 100 times so i think im just not gonna play d4dj for a bit because it's taking up time i could be using for something else. I wish I didnt have to distract myself all the time
im going to embarrass myself so much idc anymore
I feel like i am stuck in my skin and stuck in my life and i miss the voices in my head i feel like i dont have anyone at all and uh bla bla waah wahh
can we please agree that we should behead all christians?
to be cringe is to be free they say
‿ 7/28/26 ✿ Entry # 1
Today was pretty boring. But also today i started feeling like nothing was real more than usual, maybe because i had to talk about her again, maybe because i kept having those thoughts about who I am, who i was and who i could have been. I wish i could just be myself but I think ive been hurt so many times the "real me" just shouldnt be shown to anyone. My whole life ive been embarrassed about my actual living situation and ive always kept everyone out of my personal life by masking and pretending like im normal just like them. It always hurts when people find out the truth, im not normal and im some kind of person who shouldve died or gotten a better situation and now im just going to be a dysfunctional adult who will die alone most likely.
Everyday i think to myself I shouldn't have been born, im a mistake, my parents failed me but i should have just kept going on. My situation is so specific that it couldnt have been solved and i was a fool to believe that id have some kind of "happy ending". The point of my life is to suffer, yet despite everything i just cant grow accustomed to it, theres a part of me that is still kind and it hurts. Thats the main reason ive always wanted to kill myself is because im weak and im too kind and i always take things for granted and deep down i care alot about things. Maybe this is happening because i can never learn my lesson.
I cant function without being high, maybe because when i was i was genuinely happy and when i was high they were at the highest points in my life. But i think i do it now because it feels good, it feels good to forget, it feels good to not think. I feel extremely embarrassed about the things ive done for a good hit but we've all been desperate before right
"oh u have bpd u shouldnt smoke" WELLLL I FEEL FINE and within moderation i promise u ill be ok.
I loved reading his diary, he was like me except an actual adult i think he genuinely just wanted to die in his room. He felt like a failure because he couldnt get through college but i thought my existence would have showed him that theres way WAY worse things you could do in your life. I find it crazy how easily people can give up. I miss him alot and i hope one day he'd reach out to me and we'd go on that date like we planned.
I regret telling him what id do if he was gone im such a horrible person i just want to be a good person before i get into annother relationship but knowing how easily i fall for people i know that probably wont happen
She texted me, so many people i used to know texted me. The thing is i genuinely debate everyday if i should cut everyone off and delete all my social media because i do think its frying my brain, im super chronically online. But we are in an age where everyone is on their phone. My point is though i wish i could tell them everything is ok and that im happy because i hate being so gloomy and stuff, it's just you weren't supposed to see me like this, at my lowest. I want to be the friend you can laugh with instead of pity and be down with.
Im scared #those people will read this. BUT THERES NO POINT WORRY ABOUT THINGS U CANT FIX !! >.<
TOMORROW IM TEIRING FOR TSUBAKI ASS IN D4DJ
I feel like ive made too many mistakes and im a liar and i dont deserve friends and that makes a part of me upset but its the truth and for the better
anyways, i just got out of the shower, i think im done with this entry because i know I'll go on and on, i guess im trying to prepare myself for the future 😭 Its kind of hard because i forgot what it was like to do alot of things on my own. Heres some art i liked from Twitter today !