Omg its finally august guys! Im so happy about this information!! (Im not) Ok so far my august has been filled with nightmares, actually this week ive had alot more nightmares than usual. It could be because of everything going on but its like flashbacks and reminders of everything idk. I hate to say how addicted i am to the internet (and the other one that arguably ruined my life) even when im not receiving any attention, i dont know how to stop doomscrolling and stop having addictions. Im kind of being forced into a position i dont want to. I feel like deep down im still scared. Deep down no matter what i do i cant heal. I literally just cant. I dont know how to accept that fact.

I have alot of things to blame people on and i cant forgive people i cant forgive anyone im sorry but i have too much going on in my life to be kind and have friends and be normal so i kinda took this page out of my discord bio for now



Yesterday i completely forgot to make an entry because i was genuinely so tired, for some reason i went to sleep earlier than i usually do (i usually dont sleep at all lmao) Though from what i remember it was basically just her ranting in my ear about the problems she could have fixed on her own. She started to sound alot like my dad (a very bad thing) and i kind of regret being nice to her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. I have to realize it should have been her responsibility to you know be a decent human being, if i was able to when i was younger it should have been so hard for her then and it shouldn't be so hard for her now. I wish i actually had some kind of parental figure or someone i could genuinely say is like a parent to me and i think that will lead into alot of issues into the future, i wish i was smarter and i wish i never made any of the decisions ive made for the past 4 years.



I feel bad, i really do still feel bad about the fact that she's unsaveable. When im able to live my own life in the back of my mind it will forever feel like im just abandoning her even despite the fact she did the same to me. I want to live in the sense of being alive and able bodied because i think i have a huge fear of ending up like them which causes me to do alot of things i wouldnt normally do i think. I know for a fact under the right environment I'd be the person i always wanted to be, im not in the clearest mindset rn obviously

Theres still two things i dont want to admit about myself and if i did id look like a horrible person.

I know that looks bad and wish i could say genuinely that i dont want to push people away and i want to be a good person but i can't and thats probably why people hate me still like genuinely i dont understand why or how some people genuinely like me and genuinely enjoy my company and thats why i do it

And as i except things get worse so worse to the point i dont think I'll be online for a bit 😭😭 yes god this is what living is about !!!! I hate myself how can people unironically live with that mentality. I wish i wasnt useless i wish i was more helpful i wish i wasnt such a failure like yeah i didnt ask to be here but im here and im doing nothing i hate myself so much i just want to die i just want to die i just want to die and im going to relapse bcs i dont have the ONE thing i need the most its awfull why is this happening to me and not her its not fair

i made a promise and im going to keep it and i have to NO MATTER WHAT remember thats what i have to do, all of the suffering im going through its so i can pull through and get her back and then actually do the one thing i should have done from the beginning. They think im joking when i can find a way to get to her





Today was gud but its boring and im tired of being bored im tired of being here. I kinda forget that people are actually people and they think differently than me and its so weird idk ive never been able to grasp it. I want to try some methods tonight and i guess other than that i finished inanimate insanity and i watched a few episodes of haibane renmei and i really like the angel chatacters.



I teired for the rondo event but i didnt even get any of the cards despite pulling 100 times so i think im just not gonna play d4dj for a bit because it's taking up time i could be using for something else. I wish I didnt have to distract myself all the time

im going to embarrass myself so much idc anymore



I feel like i am stuck in my skin and stuck in my life and i miss the voices in my head i feel like i dont have anyone at all and uh bla bla waah wahh

can we please agree that we should behead all christians?

to be cringe is to be free they say





Today was pretty boring. But also today i started feeling like nothing was real more than usual, maybe because i had to talk about her again, maybe because i kept having those thoughts about who I am, who i was and who i could have been. I wish i could just be myself but I think ive been hurt so many times the "real me" just shouldnt be shown to anyone. My whole life ive been embarrassed about my actual living situation and ive always kept everyone out of my personal life by masking and pretending like im normal just like them. It always hurts when people find out the truth, im not normal and im some kind of person who shouldve died or gotten a better situation and now im just going to be a dysfunctional adult who will die alone most likely.



Everyday i think to myself I shouldn't have been born, im a mistake, my parents failed me but i should have just kept going on. My situation is so specific that it couldnt have been solved and i was a fool to believe that id have some kind of "happy ending". The point of my life is to suffer, yet despite everything i just cant grow accustomed to it, theres a part of me that is still kind and it hurts. Thats the main reason ive always wanted to kill myself is because im weak and im too kind and i always take things for granted and deep down i care alot about things. Maybe this is happening because i can never learn my lesson.

I cant function without being high, maybe because when i was i was genuinely happy and when i was high they were at the highest points in my life. But i think i do it now because it feels good, it feels good to forget, it feels good to not think. I feel extremely embarrassed about the things ive done for a good hit but we've all been desperate before right

"oh u have bpd u shouldnt smoke" WELLLL I FEEL FINE and within moderation i promise u ill be ok.

I loved reading his diary, he was like me except an actual adult i think he genuinely just wanted to die in his room. He felt like a failure because he couldnt get through college but i thought my existence would have showed him that theres way WAY worse things you could do in your life. I find it crazy how easily people can give up. I miss him alot and i hope one day he'd reach out to me and we'd go on that date like we planned.

I regret telling him what id do if he was gone im such a horrible person i just want to be a good person before i get into annother relationship but knowing how easily i fall for people i know that probably wont happen

She texted me, so many people i used to know texted me. The thing is i genuinely debate everyday if i should cut everyone off and delete all my social media because i do think its frying my brain, im super chronically online. But we are in an age where everyone is on their phone. My point is though i wish i could tell them everything is ok and that im happy because i hate being so gloomy and stuff, it's just you weren't supposed to see me like this, at my lowest. I want to be the friend you can laugh with instead of pity and be down with.

Im scared #those people will read this. BUT THERES NO POINT WORRY ABOUT THINGS U CANT FIX !! >.<

TOMORROW IM TEIRING FOR TSUBAKI ASS IN D4DJ

I feel like ive made too many mistakes and im a liar and i dont deserve friends and that makes a part of me upset but its the truth and for the better

anyways, i just got out of the shower, i think im done with this entry because i know I'll go on and on, i guess im trying to prepare myself for the future 😭 Its kind of hard because i forgot what it was like to do alot of things on my own. Heres some art i liked from Twitter today !